Why is it that when I masturbate, I make myself cum, but when I'm with a lover, they "make me cum"? Do I really just become a passive receiver, no longer an active participant in my own experience of pleasure? I think not! Here's what I tell my lovers: "Realize you do not make me cum, I make me cum. 😉  You may help. Let’s see how much pleasure we can cultivate together! 🔥🔥🔥"

The dominance of the phrases "made me cum" and "made her cum" in our discourse is costly. They reinforce a patriarchal view of sex, particularly the idea that men are responsible for when and how women feel pleasure. It discourages women from exploring their own bodies and asserting their desires with lovers, preventing them from taking control of their own experience of pleasure. Plus, it creates unreasonable expectations and often debilitating pressure for men. (It's important to note that it's not only patriarchy but also our heteronormative society that has given birth to these phrases. One of the many contributions of queer culture to mainstream society is that it challenges this narrative by offering a more sex-positive understanding of intimacy that includes greater permission for individual agency, mutual exploration, and non-linear sexual experiences.)

As we pull society forwards beyond this limiting view of pleasure, we have an opportunity to modify our language to reflect a more collaborative approach to sex. While it's awesome to celebrate the ways in which our lovers give us pleasure, it's also vital to remember our own agency over our bodies and desires, and acknowledge our capacity to co-create pleasurable experiences. Sexual partners don't MAKE us feel good, they HELP us feel good. So next time, consider saying "thanks for helping me cum" or asking "will you teach me how to help you cum?" to honor the interdependent nature of pleasure!
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Dr. Alison Ash is a Sex & Intimacy Coach and Educator, Stanford Lecturer, Author, & Founder of TurnON.love.

Thank you for the original photography: Irfan Nugraha, Pixabay, Nobre Luso, Roberto Nickson, JJ Jordan, Oleksandr Kurchev, Sincerely Media, Conscious Design, American Heritage Chocolate, and Jonathan Borba.